"That day" is here. The day we dread each and every year. The day that ruined our lives. The day that will never be forgotten. The day my brother died. And I know that this is my photography site but it's also "my life" site and this event has impacted me in a way that will forever alter my future. Therefore, my photography and the way in which I view things has also been impacted.
Time is a funny thing. In some ways I think, how can 3 years have gone by? How can I have made it this far when I never wanted to go on. How is my daughter going to be 3 already? And in other ways, it's like it was yesterday. When people say, "well, it's already been 3 years, you should be over it by now." Oh really? To be honest.. I want to slap them. It's only been 3 years and on top of that, to set the record straight, I will never get over this and I will never move on. What makes this so hard is that so many people forget that we are grieving, they forget we are crying, they forget we are lost, they forget he is gone, and they forget that we have a piece missing that will never be filled. He is my baby brother. He is missed. He is loved and I will not let his name become a distant thought. Rather, I will live my days to honor him, to make sure his name is spoken often and for others to never forget. It's the least we can do considering he died for you and for me.
Paul had a heart of gold. He would help you in a second. He would drop what ever it was he was doing to make sure you were taken care of. When a death is labeled non-combat, many people think it wasn't as heroic at those who died in the field. That's not true. Any soldier who died while fighting for our country is a hero. When Paul's death was labeled this way, many people had all kinds of ideas as to how he was killed. I went ahead and let them think whatever it was they thought. And then I began to think about it more myself. Paul was not shot, he didn't step on an IED, he was not in a firefight. However, he was and is a hero. Because he had a heart of gold, he took over doing someone else's job and in return.. it killed him. He was a mechanic which meant working on big vehicles being hoisted in the air by chains. He stepped up, took over the job and then he went to heaven. He had been crushed when the chains snapped. My heroic little brother, gone way too soon.
He loved life. He loved having fun and he loved the people in it. His personality is missed at each gathering, at each holiday and on every weekend. The problem with our society is that people don't want you to grieve. They want you to "get better" as soon as you can so you can be the person you where before the life changing event. God put him in our life for a reason. I am blessed to have been his sister for 24 years. I'm not going to get over that. I will, however, live my life in a way that others will remember him. If I can be happy camping and doing things he loved, then I feel that I am carrying him along side me. I will speak his name and I will talk of him often. That is how special he was to me. There will be no more photos and no more new memories created with him. I cling to what I have and talk about the past because it makes me feel as though he is in present.
So on this 3 years. We honor him. We live in a way that would make him proud. We never forget and we continue to go day by day as a family. As he would say... We need to soldier up. I will never leave him behind but rather walk with him side by side until the day we meet again.
Sept 19, 1985 - Aug 19, 2009
Loving son, brother, husband, uncle and friend to many
2 Tim 4:6-8 NIV For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
