time

I'm just gonna throw this out there. Time does NOT heal all wounds. I know, I know... but, the saying says that "time is the healer of all things", so I must be wrong, right? Wrong! I am so tired of hearing, "give it time, it will get better" or "in time, things will get easier" or blah, blah, blah. Did you know that my brother left this earth exactly 1131 days ago? Today is no easier dealing with his loss than on the day we found out. Yes, the shock is not there anymore, however, the pain is just as deep. If anything, other pains and problems have actually formed because of his death. These are problems that not many people would understand so I won't be getting into those.

I really don't think that time is the healer in the situation of death. It may be to those whose relationship with the person who went to heaven wasn't as deep, close, tight, etc. But to those whose loss can not even be put into words, time has not healed anything. I actually think that people "think" time heals because we get better at hiding the pain, hiding the feelings, and hiding the loss. People don't want to keep hearing about "the loss" or seeing you cry. They want you to go back to the person you were before your heart was ripped from your body, thrown on the ground and stomped on. So explain then how will I ever be who I was before those tragic events happened? I won't. Simple as that. We are shaped by the events that happen in our life.. happy or sad. Is it wrong to miss our loved ones beyond belief when we wake up every single day with the reality of knowing we will never see them on this earth again? Heck NO!! And this is where our friends begin to change. I'm pretty sure I have friends who have maybe blocked me, deleted me, rolled their eyes, or ignored me. You know what though? I don't care. I simply just don't care. I don't care that others may think "I won't move on" , " get over it", or "be healed". I know who my good friends are. The ones that are caring, understanding and who have been there. I know who it is that writes to ask how I'm doing or calls to check in on me. And then I have my new friends. The friends who know exactly what I'm going through. The friends who read my posts and blogs and cry along with me because they know the loss all too well. Time has not healed our pain.

This whole time healing thing also goes along with the attitude and misconception of others in their phrase of "it's been 3 years, shouldn't you be over this?" Excuse me, I didn't lose a goldfish. I lost a loving, caring, amazing, hilarious brother. Someone who I knew my entire life, shared secrets and dreams with, got in trouble with and who became a best friend. I lost a lot the day he died and it's not until days and months later you realize just how much you lost. It might not actually even be until years later that the reality actually sets in.. no more phone calls - EVER, no more crazy moments -EVER, no more laughing so hard you fall off the couch - EVER, no more memories with him - EVER... EVER... EVER!!!! Time will not heal these wounds... EVER. He still lives because we are not afraid to speak his name, bring up the great memories, cry over the loss and share his life and legacy with so many others. He lives because we allow him to live ... through us.

To be honest, I don't want time to heal a thing. It gives me the passion to share his name, his love and his life. Even writing this does the pain of missing him no justice. It actually can't even be put into words. We try to explain the loss and the pain but it's like it simply can't be done.. that's how much I miss him. I miss him in ways that just can not be conveyed. Time is not a healer in everything.